Friday, February 3, 2012

Lesson 7: What's this?

I used to read Murakami novels and think that no one actually drinks that much coffee. Then I grew older and my sleep habits became worse. If I was having a particularly sleepy morning, I put a pot on. My coffee maker would boil water, releasing steam into my poorly insulated Japanese apartment warming my skin, and the black gold would careen down my gullet and get me all toasty inside. I NEED this, I started to think. It soon became an institutionalized part of my morning, voted in unanimously by my Diet. Now, I can’t imagine weathering the ever-present cold of the Japanese winter without it. That’s to say nothing of weathering 8:40 English class after a week of deficient sleep.

What’s this?
What’s this?
It’s a wreck, it’s a wreck, it’s a wreck.

What’s this?
What’s this?
It’s again and again and again.

What’s this?
What’s this?
It’s a crap, it’s a crap, it’s a crap.

What’s this?
What’s this?
It’s a basket case!

I love coffee. I love being on the top of my game at work. I love it when my brain works smoothly and I can form a full sentence. I love when it makes me adept at Japanese. I love keeping up with people at work when they think I’m not listening. I love feeling my thoughts race by as I deftly grasp that tiger by its toe.

I had too much coffee today.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A Poorly Written Thought Catalog Piece (or How I Learned To Start Worrying and Fear The World)

I started to notice something after I quit Facebook last year. Whenever I have to present "myself" or be socially present or even visible, I have this sickening gut reaction of wanting to evaporate into a mote of dust. I think, obviously, this is something to worry about because it seems mildly antisocial at best and sociopathic at worst. Still, whenever I'm in a situation where I have to share something of myself I instead pull it close to my chest like I'm afraid it'll disintegrate in direct sunlight. I know this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's almost as if social media has devalued thoughts by flooding the thought market. Everyone is so quick to share every little bit of information about themselves for the world to see that the value of secrecy has skyrocketed.

Here's a fairly common occurrence, for example:
I meet up with my friends and the topic of conversation inevitably drifts toward work. I'm pretty sure there's nothing I hate more than talking about work. This is because (1) there is nothing unique about my work situation. There's nothing to complain about that hasn't been complained about by decades of ALTs passed. There's rarely an achievement not yet achieved. Thus (2), talking about the work becomes either self-congratulatory when you talk about something good happening or masturbatory when you selfishly burden others with tired complaints just so that you can enjoy a moment of relief.

I was recently asked by a friend to watch a YouTube video blog that they'd recorded the night before. The most bizarre thing about this for me was the person in question still being in the room at the time. I don't know if this is true for everyone, but I usually get sort of weirded out when I see a video of someone I know. (Non-interactive) things happening on a screen are so far away from reality for me that my brain is never quite sure what to do about this blending of the real and the unreal. Multiply that feeling by ten when the very real person to my side is also inside a screen right in front of my eyes.

As my brain screamed "PARADOX!" at the top of its lobes, I swiftly hit that creepin' feeling over the head and swallowed, probably in a disingenuous, overly affected way.

So we're watching this video and I'm quietly freaking out and starting to get anxious about what kind of reaction they expect of me when all of a sudden they starts laughing. Imagine that! Laughing at a pre-recorded version of your own joke! Moreover, they were laughing at themselves in the video, too. You already know what's about to be said. You already laughed at it. And even before that, you thought of it. Some tired synapse in your brain engineered this moment and holy hell the selfy-ness in this room is thick enough to choke a yogi.

All of this is compounded by the fact that I didn't find the video funny at all. I realized instantly, however, without even a shred of conscious thought, that laughing at the video was a social imperative. If I were to not laugh at it, I wouldn't just be destroying their expectation that I would like something they liked, I would be damaging their expectation that I would like them (or to put it more accurately, find them entertaining). My friend was laying it all out here. For some reason, they decided to share much more of themselves with me than I would ever care to know in a moment so intensely sincere and self-aware it horrified me. It was downright pornographic.

So I chuckled and thought about death.

I'm well aware of the irony in posting this in a public Internet space. Truth be told, my diminished Internet presence over the past few months isn't just a result of being busy all the time. It's also a product of fierce anxiety over the constructed meta-me inside the screen. It's about growing up and starting to be a little afraid of people and a little angry about the world. And maybe my commitment to writing something every day is some sort of therapy. After all, hey, I'm only human.

If you think you might be crazy, LIKE MY STATUS AND RETWEET.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

How To Get Kidnapped By Buddhists (And Other Stories)

Hey there.

Haven't seen me around, you say?

I'm looking for a new job, teaching 22 classes a week, tutoring kids part time, and training to run 10 miles at the beginning of April. Well yer darn-tootin' you ain't seen me 'round.

Hark, I have a few things to say.

First, as part of a prior FebNaNoWriMo obligation (which is just National Novel Writing Month for people who are too lazy during November) I'll be writing SOMETHING every day in February. I don't have time to write or novel, but I figure this may be a realistic, achievable goal.

Second, I wanted to recap some things I wrote last year and some pictures I want to share with you guys.


On the game-related side of things:

My reaction to Superbrothers: Sword & Sworcery EP, a beautiful drop of condensed gaming culture:
http://beforethesneeze.tumblr.com/post/6001958208/sword-sworcery-the-ur-game

The results of a nostalgia experiment that yielded unexpected results:
http://beforethesneeze.tumblr.com/post/12922583993/timeless-final-fantasy-ix-parasite-eve

An loving account of how a game psychologically ravaged me (and I liked it):
http://beforethesneeze.tumblr.com/post/16863287464/memento-mori-a-love-letter-to-dark-souls

Last, I leave you with a thing a thing I wrote for a newsletter that appears to never have been published (even though it was supposed to but then it wasn't or whatever?) I love you all. Enjoy.


How To Get Kidnapped By Buddhists

  1. Stop in at your favorite local restaurant for dinner one night. You don’t usually go by yourself, but that’s all right. You’re grateful to have some time to meditate, to decompress. Sit alone and muse over your Twitter feed. Take in the relaxing Nepalese melody playing over the sound system and order your favorite curry.

  2. Finish your meal. You won’t feel like moving, so just sit there for a minute looking around. Notice that all of the other patrons have already gone home, save for two guys around your age. Do your best to ignore their unconventionally noisy conversation.

  3. Respond noncommittally when they try and speak to you. You’ve been through this before. People always want to try to practice their English with you. Normally, you’ve no problem with obliging them, but tonight you’re just not in the mood. Only a moment ago you were reveling in your solitude.

  4. Skillfully transition the conversation into Japanese. Discover that these two dudes actually are around your age and seem pretty cool. Get into it. Remember that everyone you know is moving away or dying or slowly building up enmity towards you, and that you’ll die miserable and alone if you don’t make friends. Exchange numbers with them.

  5. About a week later, receive a call from one of them. Arrange to get lunch with the both of them this coming Sunday.

  6. Invite another one of your friends to tag along. The more the merrier, right? Tell him that we’re all meeting at the station and are going to go somewhere in town.

  7. Be surprised when you show up to the station on Sunday. Only one of the two guys from the restaurant is there, and he’s in a car with a balding man in a business suit who claims to be a rakugo TV personality. Ask him what the car is for and where we’re planning to go. If he says he’d like to go to a charming pasta joint down the block, go back to step one because you’ve failed to get kidnapped by Buddhists. If he says he wants to take you and your friend to a really, really delicious and cheap restaurant in Omiya, do your best to ignore your building sense of dread and take a seat in the back.

  8. Enjoy the ride. Make pleasant small talk and laugh more than is appropriate.

  9. Notice how we have to pay for parking. Notice how you’re being led to large office-looking building accented with black marble. Notice that this is weird. Ask yourself why a cheap, delicious restaurant would be located inside a building like this.

  10. Enter the cafeteria. Make excuses as to why your new friends would take you to a cafeteria for lunch. The food must be good? Despite seeming well enough off and driving close to an hour to get to Omiya, they’re actually both pretty poor and enjoy eating in cafeterias?

  11. Order some vegetable stir-fry somethin’-er-other. Nothing looks any good, but you pick something that looks relatively edible. Brace yourself for what you hope to be a veritable taste explosion. Find ways to cope with your disappointment when then food tastes like it looks.

  12. When the rakugo guy starts to talk about Japanese history, respond warmly. You took a class on the Heike Monogatari in University; your friend studied Buddhism. Drawn into this interesting conversation, slowly become aware of how the focus has shifted to Nichiren Buddhism miracle stories. Perceive a fevor burning behind Mr. Rakugo’s eyes. Start getting worried when he tells you that Nichiren predicted the earthquake and that only way we can save Japan from being invaded by China is to pray the Lotus Sutra. Realize that this guy is crazy and quietly freak out behind your composed countenance. If you’re fearing for your life, then congratulations! You’ve been abducted by members of a New Religious Movement (新宗教) based in Nichiren Buddhism called the [name redacted].

  13. Get angry. Get real pissed off. Get angry at your friend as he continues to converse and egg them on, oblivious to the fact you’ve been hoodwinked. Rage inside at these people who’ve tricked you. Most of all, be furious with yourself for believing that “other people” aren’t crazy. They are. They most certainly are. My god, Satre was right. Dispel your delusion that people are generally good inside and gently stoke the flame of paranoia.

  14. Remember that you’ve got to find a way out of there.

  15. Rebuke all attempts at conversion. Reject the English-printed copy of the Lotus Sutra. Reject the numerous advances to take you to the prayer room. Resist laughing when they tell you miracle stories to convince you: a reformed taxi driver who used to drink 2 liters of shochu a day, a reunion with a high school sempai suffering from domestic abuse, a man’s kids FINALLY EAT THEIR VEGETABLES. Consider suggesting that they take their stage show on the road.

  16. Insist that you have to leave. You thought you were eating back in your town and you have another engagement this afternoon. Get back in the car.

  17. FIND A WAY TO GET OUT OF THE CAR.

  18. Have them drop you off at the station. Run around the corner and down the street for a few blocks. Stop at a convenience store and get a six pack of beer. Sit in Omiya Park and drink yourself clean.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Real Problems of Municipal Jets

Something I wrote for The Memorandom, the Saitama JET Programme newsletter:

http://www.pref.saitama.lg.jp/uploaded/attachment/442385.pdf

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Singapore

Sometimes it's best to just do things. Don't think too hard about it. Just do it. Nike made a fortune by exploiting people's love of the spontaneous. Splurging on a new pair of shoes, for example, often happens on a whim. Deciding to go to Singapore, on the other hand, usually does not.
Clarke Quay: A shopping center-like yuppie haven somewhat near our apartment. Actually, that pretty much describes all of Singapore (but that doesn't mean it ain't great).
Bridge on the River Singapore
a market street in Chinatown
My impression of Singapore: awesomely multicultural, in a way that I've never experienced. These two temples of completely different religions were separated by just a few blocks.
Akiko lives in Singapore now, so naturally we met up for dinner. This is "Hoakers", a Chinese food market street.
Sentosa Island: A resort/tourist trap that includes Universal Studios and... the BEACH.

Yup. Did a zip-line down the side of a mountain all the way to that little island in the distance.
Jurong Bird Park
world's tallest man-made waterfall at Jurong Bird Park
The Singapore Zoo has a special "Night Safari" open from 7PM to 11PM. It's basically just a very dimly lit zoo, but that's pretty cool.

The Merlion Hotel--expect a full post on this one later.

It might still be chilly in Japan, but it was in the 90's in Singapore. Coolin' off on a boat tour.
Fruity drinks and $70 crab on the riverfront!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

ATTN: Look at Here

After much deliberation, I've decided to move my blog. Kind of.

I'll still be using this one, even double posting things sometimes, but I'll mostly be posting on my Tumblr:


There are a number of reasons for this.
1) I hate the interface of Blogger. Formating a post takes much longer than it should for me.

2) Tumblr is clean and pretty and easily edited and it includes all sorts of other neat little features which I fancy.

3) The focus of this blog has changed for me. I made it so that I could let everyone know what's going on with me in Japan, but now I want it to be more than that. To that end, this blog will remain for things I don't want so public, and the Tumblr will be for everything else.

And look! If you click that link you'll find a hilarious post about Pokemon waiting for you. Who doesn't like Pokemon, right? RIGHT???

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Meltdown

MARCH 18th, 2011
Following a 9.2 magnitude earthquake off the coast of northeastern Japan Friday afternoon, parental hysteria levels were assumed normal after a precautionary check later that day. The situation became unstable, however, when news of a possible meltdown at the Fukushima Daichi nuclear plant in Fukushima prefecture reached dangerous levels of hysteria in the wake of foreign news media's coverage of the crisis.
Among the numbers affected by the hysteria plume were the North American MOM, DAD, and GRANDPA L.U.V. Emission Plants. L.U.V. specialists believe that contamination of the MOM unit began when the plant was hit with a high density stream of hysteria originating from her needlessly panicking offspring. Surveliance records show that MOM received a call over Skype at approximately 4:32 PM that day, the contents of which included both fuming and bawling-type hysteria. Fortunately, her cooling functions were not damaged in the attack, preventing a complete meltdown. Hysteria levels remained high throughout the day though, now believed to be a by-product of her having blown a gasket.
The crisis intensified Wednesday with unit DAD showing signs of contamination. DAD had remained out of communication since the earthquake, but experts had asserted that DAD posed no visible risk--hysteria levels in Japan were still considerably low, ranging between .03 and .07 microbullshits. Their claims were refuted when a routine check of background hysteria in and around the plant showed levels ranging well above average and a "GET OUT OF THAT COUNTRY NOW" rhetoric leak. When efforts to contain the hysteria proved futile, workers at the plant resorted to showering the react-er with a stream of level-headed information. Conditions remain stable for the time being, but scientists are closely monitoring the unit for any indication of Common Sense loss. Should ferver burn though the react-er's protective Common Sense casing, DAD could potentially stop recognizing his son as an adult, the results of which may be dire.
Communication with unit GRANDPA has been sporadic at best, partially due to his full transplant to the west coast. According to Skype voicemails earlier this week, the plant reportedly began billowing misinformation in response to an MSNBC broadcast, but the authorities had him properly informed within the hour. Concerns over the incident stem from a fear that the misinformation could have been a great deal more sensational or fear-mongering, and given its offhand, hearsay-like transmission (a voicemail rather than a person-to-person communique), a release into the public consciousness could have been disasterous, giving rise to a manic downpour or worse.

Experts now concede that hysteria within foreign media outlets has rendered them inoperable and recommend abandoning any plans for rehabilitation. Hysteria levels on CNN's Nancy Grace, for example, have been measured at upwards of 560 millibullshits, well-above the amount of bullshit that an average person can take in a year before his brain shuts down. If you believe yourself to be exposed to foreign media bullshit, authorities advise that you turn off your TV, put some tea on, and read a book.