How To Get Kidnapped By Buddhists (And Other Stories)

Hey there.

Haven't seen me around, you say?

I'm looking for a new job, teaching 22 classes a week, tutoring kids part time, and training to run 10 miles at the beginning of April. Well yer darn-tootin' you ain't seen me 'round.

Hark, I have a few things to say.

First, as part of a prior FebNaNoWriMo obligation (which is just National Novel Writing Month for people who are too lazy during November) I'll be writing SOMETHING every day in February. I don't have time to write or novel, but I figure this may be a realistic, achievable goal.

Second, I wanted to recap some things I wrote last year and some pictures I want to share with you guys.

On the game-related side of things:

My reaction to Superbrothers: Sword & Sworcery EP, a beautiful drop of condensed gaming culture:
http://beforethesneeze.tumblr.com/post/6001958208/sword-sworcery-the-ur-game

The results of a nostalgia experiment that yielded unexpected results:
http://beforethesneeze.tumblr.com/post/12922583993/timeless-final-fantasy-ix-parasite-eve

An loving account of how a game psychologically ravaged me (and I liked it):
http://beforethesneeze.tumblr.com/post/16863287464/memento-mori-a-love-letter-to-dark-souls

Last, I leave you with a thing a thing I wrote for a newsletter that appears to never have been published (even though it was supposed to but then it wasn't or whatever?) I love you all. Enjoy.

How To Get Kidnapped By Buddhists

1. Stop in at your favorite local restaurant for dinner one night. You don’t usually go by yourself, but that’s all right. You’re grateful to have some time to meditate, to decompress. Sit alone and muse over your Twitter feed. Take in the relaxing Nepalese melody playing over the sound system and order your favorite curry.
   
   
2. Finish your meal. You won’t feel like moving, so just sit there for a minute looking around. Notice that all of the other patrons have already gone home, save for two guys around your age. Do your best to ignore their unconventionally noisy conversation.
   
   
3. Respond noncommittally when they try and speak to you. You’ve been through this before. People always want to try to practice their English with you. Normally, you’ve no problem with obliging them, but tonight you’re just not in the mood. Only a moment ago you were reveling in your solitude.
   
   
4. Skillfully transition the conversation into Japanese. Discover that these two dudes actually are around your age and seem pretty cool. Get into it. Remember that everyone you know is moving away or dying or slowly building up enmity towards you, and that you’ll die miserable and alone if you don’t make friends. Exchange numbers with them.
   
   
5. About a week later, receive a call from one of them. Arrange to get lunch with the both of them this coming Sunday.
   
   
6. Invite another one of your friends to tag along. The more the merrier, right? Tell him that we’re all meeting at the station and are going to go somewhere in town.
   
   
7. Be surprised when you show up to the station on Sunday. Only one of the two guys from the restaurant is there, and he’s in a car with a balding man in a business suit who claims to be a rakugo TV personality. Ask him what the car is for and where we’re planning to go. If he says he’d like to go to a charming pasta joint down the block, go back to step one because you’ve failed to get kidnapped by Buddhists. If he says he wants to take you and your friend to a really, really delicious and cheap restaurant in Omiya, do your best to ignore your building sense of dread and take a seat in the back.
   
   
8. Enjoy the ride. Make pleasant small talk and laugh more than is appropriate.
   
   
9. Notice how we have to pay for parking. Notice how you’re being led to large office-looking building accented with black marble. Notice that this is weird. Ask yourself why a cheap, delicious restaurant would be located inside a building like this.
   
   
10. Enter the cafeteria. Make excuses as to why your new friends would take you to a cafeteria for lunch. The food must be good? Despite seeming well enough off and driving close to an hour to get to Omiya, they’re actually both pretty poor and enjoy eating in cafeterias?
    
    
11. Order some vegetable stir-fry somethin’-er-other. Nothing looks any good, but you pick something that looks relatively edible. Brace yourself for what you hope to be a veritable taste explosion. Find ways to cope with your disappointment when then food tastes like it looks.
    
    
12. When the rakugo guy starts to talk about Japanese history, respond warmly. You took a class on the Heike Monogatari in University; your friend studied Buddhism. Drawn into this interesting conversation, slowly become aware of how the focus has shifted to Nichiren Buddhism miracle stories. Perceive a fevor burning behind Mr. Rakugo’s eyes. Start getting worried when he tells you that Nichiren predicted the earthquake and that only way we can save Japan from being invaded by China is to pray the Lotus Sutra. Realize that this guy is crazy and quietly freak out behind your composed countenance. If you’re fearing for your life, then congratulations! You’ve been abducted by members of a New Religious Movement (新宗教) based in Nichiren Buddhism called the [name redacted].
    
    
13. Get angry. Get real pissed off. Get angry at your friend as he continues to converse and egg them on, oblivious to the fact you’ve been hoodwinked. Rage inside at these people who’ve tricked you. Most of all, be furious with yourself for believing that “other people” aren’t crazy. They are. They most certainly are. My god, Satre was right. Dispel your delusion that people are generally good inside and gently stoke the flame of paranoia.
    
    
14. Remember that you’ve got to find a way out of there.
    
    
15. Rebuke all attempts at conversion. Reject the English-printed copy of the Lotus Sutra. Reject the numerous advances to take you to the prayer room. Resist laughing when they tell you miracle stories to convince you: a reformed taxi driver who used to drink 2 liters of shochu a day, a reunion with a high school sempai suffering from domestic abuse, a man’s kids FINALLY EAT THEIR VEGETABLES. Consider suggesting that they take their stage show on the road.
    
    
16. Insist that you have to leave. You thought you were eating back in your town and you have another engagement this afternoon. Get back in the car.
    
    
17. FIND A WAY TO GET OUT OF THE CAR.
    
    
18. Have them drop you off at the station. Run around the corner and down the street for a few blocks. Stop at a convenience store and get a six pack of beer. Sit in Omiya Park and drink yourself clean.