Meltdown

MARCH 18th, 2011

Following a 9.2 magnitude earthquake off the coast of northeastern Japan Friday afternoon, parental hysteria levels were assumed normal after a precautionary check later that day. The situation became unstable, however, when news of a possible meltdown at the Fukushima Daichi nuclear plant in Fukushima prefecture reached dangerous levels of hysteria in the wake of foreign news media's coverage of the crisis.

Among the numbers affected by the hysteria plume were the North American MOM, DAD, and GRANDPA L.U.V. Emission Plants. L.U.V. specialists believe that contamination of the MOM unit began when the plant was hit with a high density stream of hysteria originating from her needlessly panicking offspring. Surveliance records show that MOM received a call over Skype at approximately 4:32 PM that day, the contents of which included both fuming and bawling-type hysteria. Fortunately, her cooling functions were not damaged in the attack, preventing a complete meltdown. Hysteria levels remained high throughout the day though, now believed to be a by-product of her having blown a gasket.

The crisis intensified Wednesday with unit DAD showing signs of contamination. DAD had remained out of communication since the earthquake, but experts had asserted that DAD posed no visible risk--hysteria levels in Japan were still considerably low, ranging between .03 and .07 microbullshits. Their claims were refuted when a routine check of background hysteria in and around the plant showed levels ranging well above average and a "GET OUT OF THAT COUNTRY NOW" rhetoric leak. When efforts to contain the hysteria proved futile, workers at the plant resorted to showering the react-er with a stream of level-headed information. Conditions remain stable for the time being, but scientists are closely monitoring the unit for any indication of Common Sense loss. Should ferver burn though the react-er's protective Common Sense casing, DAD could potentially stop recognizing his son as an adult, the results of which may be dire.

Communication with unit GRANDPA has been sporadic at best, partially due to his full transplant to the west coast. According to Skype voicemails earlier this week, the plant reportedly began billowing misinformation in response to an MSNBC broadcast, but the authorities had him properly informed within the hour. Concerns over the incident stem from a fear that the misinformation could have been a great deal more sensational or fear-mongering, and given its offhand, hearsay-like transmission (a voicemail rather than a person-to-person communique), a release into the public consciousness could have been disasterous, giving rise to a manic downpour or worse.

Experts now concede that hysteria within foreign media outlets has rendered them inoperable and recommend abandoning any plans for rehabilitation. Hysteria levels on CNN's Nancy Grace, for example, have been measured at upwards of 560 millibullshits, well-above the amount of bullshit that an average person can take in a year before his brain shuts down. If you believe yourself to be exposed to foreign media bullshit, authorities advise that you turn off your TV, put some tea on, and read a book.